The empty place

Ever feel that sensation where you're done.  The needle redlining, amber lights are flashing, well, you ain't a fucking truck but you get the sense.

Every nailed paw that falls on the hardwood, every breath from my dog seems so provoking but to what exactly?  I guess I want to go to that room or space that envision in my mind.  The empty place.

I don't want to think, I don't want to hear and I don't want to do.

Why?  I guess because I don't know how to manage things in life at that very moment.  I wish and honestly, I do.  But there's always that part of you that wants to go to the empty place, no, not about hanging yourself from a bridge or anything like that.  I'm laughing inside my head now about all these things I write, they amuse me and I feel better because I know a few people who will laugh with me.  Disturbed, yeah, just like you.  I just decided to write it down, just the tip of the iceberg because I don't think the rest would be taken well.

Anyway, back to the empty space.  One advisor says go on a road trip, I'm pretty sure others would say drink it up, walk, sleep but when the responsibility is on you, you don't get to do that.  You get to function and continue moving because nothing is about you.  It never was.  At least for me.  You'll see, you'll change your mind when you start seeing the patterns.

So, the empty place is my meditation stage.  Somewhere inside I tap into it as I continue to function.  I don't yell or scream at the injustices of the world instead I breath slowly, I walk slowly and talk slowly.  Why?  Because that's the only way to be submerged in the muck and make it to the other side but really, we all know there's no other side, the brain just needs a little imaginary target to get the mess of you out of your funk.

I made up the meditation stage, I have no idea what else to call it.  I know it works.  You know, just like you and your vehicle, you know it works by magic or science, it don't matter.  It works and that's all there is to that.

Now to keep functioning instead of breaking down.  It has been rough the past few months but I think I have been my best for the most part.  That's important to me.  The stuff in my head and my feelings, I can learn more about managing them and continue to be immersed in my world which is rich with interaction with shitty and awesome people.  No excuses.

Feelers

Being a human means getting angry, being happy and overall upset over something or other.  Maybe it's your kid being lazy.  Lazy?  Or enabled?  Not sure which.  Either way, my job is to look at myself first.  Yes, I'm a mess, an angry mess most of the time.  Running on smoldering 24/7.

Why?  Why not.  I give my best presentation to those around me.  When I'm finally alone I can be more vocal about my perceptions.  

With my 10 year old son, Mars … well, he is instructed based on concepts, principles and team work.  Sometimes, he slacks to the point I have to bring him out of his lazy zone.  Or I stop enabling him.  Whichever.  So, I lead him to see the world thru a more precise lens where discipline is necessary.  This is after he has been given opportunity to rectify his trajectory but youth comes with a price.

He's not allowed to act as a victim.  He's to be proud, walk tall, even the tone of his voice must be right. If he's angry and whatever else he wants to feel but never a victim, he's an initiate, an apprentice, a recruit.  So, he will correct his actions and do so as a man, that's what I train him to be.  A human, a man and one day a professional.

I train men to be the best they can be, if they are to be around me.  Same goes for me.  I have to keep working on myself to keep up with the new generation.  We all fail, many times but we get up and we keep on practicing the skills that keep teams functioning efficiently.

It doesn't mean that there's a lot of anger projected at the initiate, it's mostly direction and training on how to operate a broom, rags, vacuum, washer and dryer encompassing the operation of a team based environment along with communication.  A hug or two at some point when he says, I've done it!

Other important seasoning is the sharing of concepts, the whys, the reasoning all bound together to form a session of learning.

Then, more cleaning until clean is clean.  This is the way of the outfit.